A Warning

Hello blogists.

I thought I should warn you:

I have decided to stop censoring myself on here. In real life I swear sometimes and it can get pretty annoying censoring my thoughts on here.

So.

From here on out please don't be surprised at any profanity that might pop up. It won't be over the top but it will exist.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! But don't be scared ; D

A Plain Morning

I discovered something upsetting last night as I was thinking about going to work the next day. Usually when I'm stressed out about work I say a prayer to God (typically I say it to Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother) and ask for a good day at work the next day or at least help to get through a bad day.

Last night I said the prayer asking for help, as I was expecting a rough day in the morn. As I prayed I realized I wasn't sure if there was a God up there listening to my prayers, not sure if there was a Mother and Father who cared about me up there, trying to help me out.

My belief in a God has faltered.

This is beyond upsetting to me.

One of the reasons this is so rough for me is that in my adult life I have experienced the feeling that nobody is there to catch me if I fall. Sure family will help with some things, but if the worst happens, my wife and I are on our own. We would be fucked. There is zero people willing to make my life go in a good direction. I'm on my own.

This is scary to me. I like fail safes. And up until now I have always been able to depend on God.

No more.

The only thing I have left is to keep trying to believe and hope that that belief will grow.

Sorry it's depressing but if you read this far than you probably already know that my blog ain't exactly a ray of sunshine. LOL!!!

Ahh, Nuts...

I'm going through (yet another) pretty stressful patch in my life.

The company I was working for was bought out by a different company. The new company offers benefits that I didn't get before and has the potential to pay better but the company culture is one I'm not really a fan of. It's a pain to adjust to.

I finished my book but I've been to busy with work to get it sent out to publishers.

For various reasons I have decided to stop exercising for the time being. One of the reasons, my knees, should be resolved soon as we are moving to an apartment complex with an awesome gym so my cardio options will not be limited to running or swimming in a tiny pool. The exercise thing in general should improve once move as home life will be A LOT LESS STRESSFUL. Living with people is not fun.

That's not everything but I did get some venting out which is nice. And now I'm going to go see Pacific Rim. HELL YEAH!!!

Goodnight Vienna

I have finished with my novel.

Sigh.

That's some good stuff. It felt amazing to finally finish. I listened to one of my favorite songs and had a dance party for five minutes. Good times.

Now the real work that I don't quite understand starts. Marketing my book.



This is the best song on the radio currently.

Not Gonna

Sometimes running is the best. I went today and it felt amazing. That was after I did a few laps around the pool AND that was after I did a termite job today. I think I'll sleep well tonight!

I have 4 chapters to final edit and then I am DONE with my book! Hell yeah! It's been about a year and a half. Good times.

'Cause I'm HAPPY, Happy, happy, nope.

Guys! I'm going crazy. I feel so... unsettled.

Work is rough, of course. Everyday feels like another day that I'm wasting my life.

Home is rough, of course. I'm living with a bunch of people. I feel very uncentered and awful. I'm eating a ton to make myself feel better and smother the fucking emotions that I am unable to deal with.

Writing is non-existent in the sense of creating new content. I'm still editing my first book though, thankfully, I'm almost done. It's really stressing me out because I feel like every free minute I have, I should be working. I feel like shit every time I'm not writing or editing because of the guilt and drive to improve my life. But that pushes me into a depression and then I EAT MORE!!! BLAAAAAAAAAAA.

There are some other problems that I don't want to air on this public blog. Perchaps I shall write them in my journal. hahahhahaha. As if I had a journal.

Music I'm listening to:
-Pharrell
-Florida Georgia Line

FUCK!