I discovered something upsetting last night as I was thinking about going to work the next day. Usually when I'm stressed out about work I say a prayer to God (typically I say it to Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother) and ask for a good day at work the next day or at least help to get through a bad day.
Last night I said the prayer asking for help, as I was expecting a rough day in the morn. As I prayed I realized I wasn't sure if there was a God up there listening to my prayers, not sure if there was a Mother and Father who cared about me up there, trying to help me out.
My belief in a God has faltered.
This is beyond upsetting to me.
One of the reasons this is so rough for me is that in my adult life I have experienced the feeling that nobody is there to catch me if I fall. Sure family will help with some things, but if the worst happens, my wife and I are on our own. We would be fucked. There is zero people willing to make my life go in a good direction. I'm on my own.
This is scary to me. I like fail safes. And up until now I have always been able to depend on God.
No more.
The only thing I have left is to keep trying to believe and hope that that belief will grow.
Sorry it's depressing but if you read this far than you probably already know that my blog ain't exactly a ray of sunshine. LOL!!!
3 comments:
It might not help much, but I believe in you! You've done so much already, especially with your writing, and you have potential for an awesome life with your wife. I'll be your online cheerleader!
Also, we grow up on the faith of our parents, but there comes a time when we all question everything we believe in. It's hard and I hope you figure out something that will help you make it through life. We all need something to believe in to keep us going, whatever it is you choose to believe in.
Thanks, Lis. You are awesome. Say hi to Kayla for me :)
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