A Plain Morning

I discovered something upsetting last night as I was thinking about going to work the next day. Usually when I'm stressed out about work I say a prayer to God (typically I say it to Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother) and ask for a good day at work the next day or at least help to get through a bad day.

Last night I said the prayer asking for help, as I was expecting a rough day in the morn. As I prayed I realized I wasn't sure if there was a God up there listening to my prayers, not sure if there was a Mother and Father who cared about me up there, trying to help me out.

My belief in a God has faltered.

This is beyond upsetting to me.

One of the reasons this is so rough for me is that in my adult life I have experienced the feeling that nobody is there to catch me if I fall. Sure family will help with some things, but if the worst happens, my wife and I are on our own. We would be fucked. There is zero people willing to make my life go in a good direction. I'm on my own.

This is scary to me. I like fail safes. And up until now I have always been able to depend on God.

No more.

The only thing I have left is to keep trying to believe and hope that that belief will grow.

Sorry it's depressing but if you read this far than you probably already know that my blog ain't exactly a ray of sunshine. LOL!!!

Life, Interupted

For the past couple of months I have been dealing with a painful medical condition. I won't get in to details but it was quite scary for about a week and I'm pretty much constant pain. I'm on antibiotics right now and I'm trying some natural stuff as well but it doesn't seem to be happening. This has in turn affected my ability to go to work in the sense that I can't motivate myself to do it when I'm physically and emotionally tired from dealing with the constant pain and discomfort and the worry of it not going away, just getting worse.

And then add on top of that the fact that I'm not a huge fan of my current job anyways, well you can understand how I'm having a rough time of it.

On the plus side I am almost done with the first draft of my book! I have probably a couple months left if I stick to my goals. Pretty excited to finally finish. I know it's only the beginning of a long process but it will be the first major goal I've achieved in a long time. Yeah, I'm pretty depressing. LOL. But not really.

Oh, and on the major plus side! Fall Out Boy, one of my favorite bands, is releasing a new album in May! What?!

hooray!

I'm beginning to change the way I view God and religion. I grew up in an extremely conservative household and culture and I've begun to break out of that viewpoint to truths I couldn't see or accept before this point. 

It's a little scary because my upbringing taught me that thinking outside of their prescribed box brought damnation and eternal torment so I'm understandably a little nervous about thinking other things than what I've been fed my whole life but it's also liberating to be able to believe spiritually that don't conflict with my moral, political, and social beliefs. Whew!

beautiful

I'm beginning to understand that I should question things, not just accept things blindly. That's how evil is allowed to flourish.