The Rain In Spain?

I wrote for the first time in over 1 month today. It was awesome. Hard initially but very rewarding once I got into it.

I realized today that I will most likely never be a successful author. And that's okay. I will continue writing and writing and self publishing and if a few family members and a handful of friends are the only ones who ever read my stuff, that's okay. I'm okay with that. I just have to keep writing.

My financial future, on the other hand, is in better shape. I have some plans that are years in the doing but will hopefully pay off handsomely.

Another huge realization I've made is that I don't want the biggest job. I don't want the most important position in the company. I just want to make a good living in a low stress job I enjoy and spend my emotional energy on things I love instead of things that make money.

Ideally I want to live somewhere that I produce most of my food myself with not very many possessions and lots of friends and spirits. That sounds glorious. And a way to write, of course.

Picture Tiny Shrimp Crawling All Over This Boat

I have a few irons in the fire right now. I'm working full time, writing a book, a novella, and now I'm trying to get some freelance writing work. Which is hard. It really makes me feel inferior, idiotic, and dumb. But I can't not do it. I've gotta keep going because it's what I want to do with my life. I feel the drive to do these things so therefore I MUST!

I MUST!

If you haven't seen It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, watch it. It's the best.

I have this thought on a daily basis. Just kidding! Hahahaha... ha... eh... ratssssssss

You Act So Different Around Me

Hmmm...

I, as always, am trying to figure out what to do with me life. A big thing I want to be my life's work is writing. Producing art. I want that to be my legacy. But it is so hard to make money in that so I am having to figure out other things to do.

The real thing I was wanting to think about was self publishing. This is the route I've decided to go.

Damn. I had a message I wanted to get across in the post but... I have no idea what it really was. I'm listening to a podcast, Geeks Guide to the Galaxy, and it's an interesting interview and I'm trying write at the same time and... it ain't working.

Alright so I'll do a list of some music I'm into lately.



-"Hail To The King" by Avenged Sevenfold.
This song just rocks off all the socks.

-"The End Of All Things" by Panic At The Disco.
Such a sad, wistful song. It makes me just stare into the middle distance and forget. Panic has a new album and it's really good. It also sounds a lot like...

-"The Phoenix" by Fall Out Boy.
I'm a huge FOB fan, have been since high school, and publicly a fan since 2007. This song has a good chorus.

-"Hold On We're Going Home" by Drake.
I know. What? Not my usual fare but it's catchy and stuck in my head.

In closing, don't give up on your dreams. You may not be the best or as good as you hoped but if you don't go for your dreams then you will always have that regret. That regret is not great.
Also learn to let go. It's hard but most DEFINITELY worth it.

Conflicting messages? I hope not.

Cellos

I started another fuckin' job today. It's a lot better emotionally than the last one. It's a lot worse financially than the last one. It's not what I want to do. But it'll pay the bills.

My dream job was posted on craigslist. I'm going to apply for it tomorrow. It's probably not my real dream job but I think about it a lot.

I decided to just self publish my book. Because... FUCK THE PUBLISHING INDUSTRY AND IT'S BULLSHIT!!!

What, you want me to send my books to a billion different people? And then 99.9% of them won't even read it. Of those that do, 99.99% of them won't get back to me. Of those 99.9% that do, 100% of them will be rejections.

But then randomly one of them actually finds it in a trash can covered it snot filled tissues and empty wine bottles, little red stains making much of the first few pages illegible. This person likes my book. He emails me back and wants to work with me.

This person is a literary agent. Not a publisher. An agent. NOT A PUBLISHER!!! He just wants to try and sell my book to some publishers.

Oh, by the by. This is NOT a guarantee of publishing. This is a "guarantee" of this person trying  to see if maybe some other ass hole thinks it's good enough to get sell some copies.

And then the process is repeated. Infinitum.

So. Fuck them. I'm going out on my own. And it probably won't work. But I just don't have the life energy to try this.

This has given my soul such freedom.

I'm ready to write the second book. Yeeha!

yeah kinda feels like this

I'm ALSO going to start writing music again. Hopefully.

Balanced On A Knife's Edge Chance In Hell

Hooooooo boy.

I start my new job on Monday. I'm excited but nervous because it could go either way for me. But it's a good thing, I think. It's giving me the opportunity to stretch myself and grow in way's I've been scared to in the past.

I have also submitted my book to another agent. Waiting another two weeks. I really need to start submitting to multiple agents at once...

AAAAANNNNDDDD! I've started my second book. No, not a sequel to the first. If that one doesn't pan out I don't want to be stuck with a useless sequel I can't sell.

And that's the lousy truth!

A light at the end of the scary forest of life

Happy Happy Happy Fun Fun FUN

GUYS!

I got a new job. Calm down, I got this.

I start in 2 weeks.

Pray for me.

LOL!

This Is (Almost) The End

Well.

I haven't posted on here for awhile because my job has changed a lot and the stress has basically crippled me mentally. I have not the energy for creative things. I just watch TV or play video games to make myself forget my job.

I'm working 10-12 hours per day, 6 days per week. My pay has been consistent until Sept 01 when it will drop considerably.

The stress has drained me considerably and I had my first breakdown/panic attack while out with friends just a week or two ago.

Sorry it's so bleak but I literally don't know what to do. I've been applying for jobs but my current job requires so much of my time that I have no time to interview for other positions. But I can't just quit because I have bills to pay.

I have no idea what to do.

Blerg.

Ahh, Nuts...

I'm going through (yet another) pretty stressful patch in my life.

The company I was working for was bought out by a different company. The new company offers benefits that I didn't get before and has the potential to pay better but the company culture is one I'm not really a fan of. It's a pain to adjust to.

I finished my book but I've been to busy with work to get it sent out to publishers.

For various reasons I have decided to stop exercising for the time being. One of the reasons, my knees, should be resolved soon as we are moving to an apartment complex with an awesome gym so my cardio options will not be limited to running or swimming in a tiny pool. The exercise thing in general should improve once move as home life will be A LOT LESS STRESSFUL. Living with people is not fun.

That's not everything but I did get some venting out which is nice. And now I'm going to go see Pacific Rim. HELL YEAH!!!

Southern Weather

We are finally in Texas. Don't know if I've mentioned this before, don't feel like going back and checking. I'm back to writing in editing at libraries during down time at work. Boo. But also, yay!

So, the real reason I am posting this... post is two fold:

1- I am GARBAGE at grammar. For someone who wants to be a writer, you'd think I could write!!!

2- Related to #1. Sometimes when I'm editing I just say "F**k it" and move on. This stuff is so bad that unless I did severe revisions, basically threw away the first half of the book and rewrote it, it's not going to to get much better no matter how much time I spend editing.

And finally: I came across some fringe "news" website about how Obama is the Antichrist. Great stuff. Google it. It will make your day with how AMAZING it is. I, for one, feel enlightened.

What You Did In The Dark

Book Update: There is nothing to update!

Ever since I finished the first draft I haven't been able to start rewriting. I have done literally zero work since then on it.

It's a bummer!

Work is going so so. I thought I would do really well at this job but I'm only doing sort of okay. And I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of getting fired, which can be very stressful. But such is life, eh? It's strange because I feel like the universe dropped this job in my lap and now it feels like the universe is trying to get me fired. WTF UNIVERSE?!! Jk, universe, jk. I only kid.

What do you mean I have to work hard to keep my job?

It Would Take A Whole Lot Of Medication

I'm so excited right now!

I just landed a job that is, at least thus far, AWESOME. It's basically what I've been doing for the past two years but WAY EASIER AND BETTER PAY! YESSSS!!!

And second reason I'm so excited...

I'M ALMOST DONE WITH MY FIRST NOVEL!!!!!!!

ALSHDFLHASDFKLHASDKJF;LIYA;OIHASDIDO;IASDDF;OIH;QAEWFOIQW;K;F;ASDIF;LKISDFKH;ASD;KJFHAS;LIDFLIHLADSG

... sorry. Excitement caused me to lose control of my typing and, well, it weren't purdy.

AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

For the first time in a long time, things are looking up.

AND I'm going to Texas in about 2 weeks for my friends' (two of my good friends are getting married, not sure if this is the proper punctuation for that event) wedding. I've really missed all my Texas homies and fambily (yes I purposely misspelled) and it will be good to see them again. But also kinda hard. But such is life.

Now I'm bummed... CURSES.

Wait, no I just needed to think about the awesome stuff again and HOOORAAAYYY!!!

On a COMPLETELY different note, a song from Les Mis came on my iPod (that's hard figuring out the correct capitalization!) called "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" and I repeated it like 14 times. Yeah, bloody good song.

probably one of the saddest scenes ever

Anyways... 

This post turned out to be way longer than I thought it was going to be. Sorry dudes. Just kidding. You're reading this for free so stop complaining. This is 100% free content. 

I'm listening to a song now by Mumford and Sons and guess what: Mumford and Sons is the best. Just in case you were wondering.

Life, Interupted

For the past couple of months I have been dealing with a painful medical condition. I won't get in to details but it was quite scary for about a week and I'm pretty much constant pain. I'm on antibiotics right now and I'm trying some natural stuff as well but it doesn't seem to be happening. This has in turn affected my ability to go to work in the sense that I can't motivate myself to do it when I'm physically and emotionally tired from dealing with the constant pain and discomfort and the worry of it not going away, just getting worse.

And then add on top of that the fact that I'm not a huge fan of my current job anyways, well you can understand how I'm having a rough time of it.

On the plus side I am almost done with the first draft of my book! I have probably a couple months left if I stick to my goals. Pretty excited to finally finish. I know it's only the beginning of a long process but it will be the first major goal I've achieved in a long time. Yeah, I'm pretty depressing. LOL. But not really.

Oh, and on the major plus side! Fall Out Boy, one of my favorite bands, is releasing a new album in May! What?!

hooray!

I'm beginning to change the way I view God and religion. I grew up in an extremely conservative household and culture and I've begun to break out of that viewpoint to truths I couldn't see or accept before this point. 

It's a little scary because my upbringing taught me that thinking outside of their prescribed box brought damnation and eternal torment so I'm understandably a little nervous about thinking other things than what I've been fed my whole life but it's also liberating to be able to believe spiritually that don't conflict with my moral, political, and social beliefs. Whew!

beautiful

I'm beginning to understand that I should question things, not just accept things blindly. That's how evil is allowed to flourish. 

Never Guitars In July

It's the last day of January tomorrow. Crazy stuff. I've been able to stay on top of writing this month and in fact I'm actually ahead of my monthly goal and will probably end January about 2500 words on top. YAY!

Work is going... okay. It's definitely work but my schedule changed to mornings M-F so that definitely helps but getting up early is really kicking my butt.

Yeah, yeah!

A Real Human Being, And A Real Hero

Got some more writing done today. about 1700 words so far today. Called in sick to work, not feeling great.
What do you do when you've lost you're hope? The glimmer of something better that keeps you from going crazy when it all gets almost to much. I've lost mine and I'm looking for another. It makes me feel physically ill to even think about life sometimes. Ugh.

Back On Track

I've started writing again finally! I was taking a break because I was in training for a new job and it was taking the majority of my mental capacity. Between studying and being at work for eight hours, my brain was fried when I got home. Just wanted to veg out on the couch when I got home. But I've been exercising a lot and writing again. I even designed a writing schedule in Excel that's working pretty well.

I haven't been able to keep up with my previous word length standards but today I exceeded them goal wise.

My life has the potential to change immensely soon. A slim chance of it but I'm holding onto whatever threads I can grasp. Pretty excited for it but trying to prepare myself for the disappointment if it doesn't work out. It's a fine line between optimism and irrationality or naivety. And I'm walkin it!!!

I'm Still Alive

Been working for awhile. Not my favorite job. How I'm getting by? Everyday I just tell myself "I'm still alive."

I think about people in Africa or South America or China or India or I just just name your not first world country of choice. A lot of people in these countries work insane hours in terrible jobs for what amounts to, in America, practically nothing. And they do it seven days a week.

When you look at it that way, my 40 hours a week in a cushy chair doesn't seem so bad.

But when that doesn't help I just remind myself of a character in a book I'm reading, Logan Ninefingers. No matter what happens; stabbed, thrown of a cliff, friends and family murdered, to even the small things like stubbing his toe, lost in a foreign city where he doesn't know anyone... no matter what happens he always says, "I'm still alive."

So... A bit dramatic I suppose but sometimes that's just what you need to get you by.

And now, something light hearted:
















The internet is such a weird place.

Sippin' On A Patron Just To Calm My Nerves

If I keep burning bridges at this rate I'm going to be stuck very very soon. On the plus side I'm learning a lot about myself and what I can and can't do. Or maybe it's more accurate to say what I will and won't do. Yeah, that's better. Gonna miss mv and wish I hadn't thrown that away. Oh friggin well.

Writings going well. Wrote 500 last night, 1000 the day before and I got my book back on track. This chapter I'm working on had just gone all Ozzy on me (off the rails... on a crazy train...?) but I was able to pull it back in and I think it's going to turn out quite nice actually.

Also it's nice to learn that I'm not a socially retarded psycho, that some guys are just completes arse holes. Yeah I said it. Arse. A near curse. Whatcha gonna do? Call the ghostbusters on me?!!

And now this blog post has gone all Ozzy so I'm going to sign off. In parting, just remember:

"...keep your boots tight, keep your gun close and die with your mask on if you got to..."

What Heist Were You Watching?

The internet on my phone has not been working for almost a month and I'm going CRAZY! About a year ago I started switching my music listening from CD's and MP3's to streaming. It's a lot cheaper and easier but NOT WHEN YOUR INTERNET DOESN'T WORK!!! Bloody Sprint.

I just wrote almost a thousand words in my book! But that's not that great because I haven't written in weeks. But thank heavens I'm starting again. It's always that first session that's the hardest.

ALSO I'm starting a NEW job on monday. I know I know. Another? Really? Well better believe it baby.

A Mans Gotta Do...

Sorry if you're sick of hearing about my employment status but... I got a second job! So that means two part time and... I'll hopefully hear back from a third by the end of the week. If I get that third one I will quit the other two because it'll pay more than both combined! Hurray.

On the book front, the end of the first draft is in sight! I'm about halfway finished I'm thinking. Taking longer than I thought it would but oh well. What's a guy to do.

Listening to the Dr. Horrible sound track. Great stuff.